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About Eric’s Wife

Some may say I am a "Stay at home Mom," but that is not even close. I am Eric's Wife. I have exhilarating strokes of genius, followed almost immediately by paralyzing pangs of self doubt and, for whatever reason, here is where I blog about it - warts and all. I serve a merciful God with a clumsy hand and at the end of each day I go to sleep thankful to be His servant and Eric's wife.

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More of Thee and Less of Me

January 30, 2012

 

On a good day, I am sure that right around half of my thoughts somehow relate back to how I feel about all things Amy.   “Am I hungry?”  “How do I really feel about doing laundry?” “Who am I kidding?  I’m a joke.” “What’s that delightful smell?  Oh, look at that.  It’s my hair.  I wonder if other people can smell my hair as well as I…”  I could go on, but I’d like to retain some dignity.   (I told my Mom that I had guessed “half” my daily thoughts were about me, and she says to me, “Half?  I bet it’s way more than half.”  For the purpose of this post, I’ve decided that she was referencing all mankind and not just me.)

By my guesstimate, a person has roughly 100,000 unique thoughts in a day.  (I could google for a real number, but let’s not carry on pretending I’m a legitimate news source and just work with my numbers for the purpose of illustration.)  If 5,000 of those thoughts relate to reasonable self care thought processing (Am I hungry?), and I’ve conservatively estimated that half my thoughts in a day are about me, then I have roughly 45,000 thoughts a day all about me that are purely superfluous.  Superfluous!  

Upon further reflection (thinking about me. what a world, what a world), I realize that my thoughts about me take a very familiar path on most occasions. “I think I will make tacos for dinner.  They served tacos at my old elementary school.  The cafeteria lady’s son was in my class and I teased him one day until he cried and we had to go to the principal’s office.  Man, I was a jerk kid.  Why does anybody like me?  I am a truly awful person.  Stop it.  You stop it right there. God has redeemed you and He promises to complete the good work He has begun in you.  Chill out and make those tacos.”

Here is my biggest thought as of late:  What if I actually could somehow donate the use of all that wasted thought time to a more productive thought activity?  What would I look like if I turned that thought time over to God through the Holy Spirit and just let Him get cozy as the bulk of my 100,000 thoughts? The above thought process would look like this: “I think I will make tacos for dinner. (pause for Holy Spirit intervention on my behalf.)  Chill out and make those tacos.”

This idea is both exciting and unnerving to me when I examine it closely.  This would mean taking thoughts about my reputation, ability, talents, role in relationships, and feelings about the past, and releasing them to the Holy Spirit to do with as He sees fit.  What would that leave me looking like?  Am I talking about a spiritual lobotomy?  Let’s be honest, I think I am about as weird as I want to get.  Do I trust Him not to turn me into an even bigger weirdo?

What if He compels me to grow my hair to my waist and wear skirts that I make myself and I like it?  What if I turn into one of those bloggers who won’t.shut.up about “Holy Spirit this and Holy Spirit that?”  What if I end up in a wheelchair, wearing velcro tennis shoes (my vainest fear), and I’m downright pleasant about it?  What if I decide that door to door is the way to evangelize? Please, oh please, oh please don’t make me look weird.  I understand discomfort (social and/or physical) is sometimes necessary, but, how about a nice and relaxing endurance shaping event?

I wrote last year about putting it all out there for God to examine and repair. I’m still in the exam room, but I thought I would just update you and let you know that it’s starting to look a little weird and it’s not all that bad.

(Here is a simple exercise that you can do at home if you might be in a lack of Bible reading rut: Read the book of James every night for a week.  It is five short chapters that you can get read in twenty minutes or less.  No need for commentary.  Just read it every night for a week and see if it doesn’t get you out of the rut.  Here’s a teaser from James 2:”Speak and act as those who are going to be judged by the law that gives freedom, because judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgment!”)

 

 

 

 

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