Revenge of Aging Nerd Girl

On Friday night Eric and I went to an art show at the local middle school, featuring the artwork of one of our neighborhood teenagers. I was very happy to be there to support Karen, the artist, and her mother.

Karen’s Mom and I were visiting when this other girl, who is clearly very cool, walks by and sings Karen’s name in a taunting way. Right in front of us! Was this cool girl so cool that she thought we wouldn’t know what she was doing? Did she not notice that we are grown ups who have the power to contact her mother? Has she no mother fear?

I have to pause here and admit that I was quite the loser in middle school. I’m sure you’re as surprised to hear it as I was to live it. My loser status in my youth means that my radar is well tuned to the taunts of cool girls. I had a hard time retaining my self control with Karen’s cool girl.

“Hi, Kaaarrrreeeeen,” came the high pitched taunt poorly disguised as a greeting as Cool Girl made another circle around our spot in the lobby.

“Karen, that is the third time this girl has greeted you. Is she a friend of ours? Do I need to go and say hello to her?” I am chomping at the bit and just waiting for Karen to send me in.

“No, she is NOT a friend. Don’t talk to her.” It is clear by Karen’s face that we are only seeing a tiny fraction of the Cool Girl’s arsenal.

“Hi, Kaaarrrreeeeen.” The nerve! I am a grown up and I am standing right here! Does Cool Girl think I’m deaf?

“Do I need to throw my shoe at her, Karen? It s a heavy shoe and I bet I could bean her in the forehead.” (Honestly, my shoes were very uncomfortable and I was looking for any excuse to take them off. Throwing the shoe at Cool Girl would have just upped the satisfaction value.)

Karen decided - against my better and wiser judgment - that I could not throw my shoe at Cool Girl and we all left a bit after that.

I have not been able to get that girl’s voice out of my head since. If my life was a movie, I would have taken off my shoe and tossed it at her head. Maybe it would be a slow motion scene where you get a good look at her hair flying up and the slow growing look of surprised shock on her face as my shoe lands squarely on her forehead.

Now, I know that in the real world, cops would be called and I would have a lot of explaining to do. But we are pretending like my life is a movie.

The knock to the head would have really rung her bells and, in perfect movie fashion, a small crowd would have circled around to see what would come next in the battle of Cool Girl meets Aging Nerd Girl.

Cool Girl: (high pitched and squeaky) What do you think you’re doing!? Don’t you know who I am?

Aging Nerd Girl: Oh, I know full well who you are. You are a sad little girl who has a shattered self esteem that you daily artificially inflate with popularity votes and these votes seem to be directly related to the volume of people you have that are beneath you in significance.

(right here the gathering crowds says: Ooooooooooooooooo. Buuuuuurn!)

Cool Girl tries to respond, but instead she stands there, rubbing her head and apparently unable to pull her bottom lip up to meet her top lip.

This is the part of the movie when the music is kind of tense as the camera pans from my face to Cool Girl’s big question mark of a face. Then there’s a couple of shots of the waiting crowd, Karen and her Mom with faces that say, “Right on, Aging Nerd Girl”, and Eric - shielding the children’s eyes from view of my sudden fit of violence.

The music fades and slows slightly as I continue.

Aging Nerd Girl: You know what, Cool Girl? I think all you ever really needed was for someone to tell you that you are a genuinely worth while person. Come over here and give Miss Amy a hug and let me tell you just how much you’re worth.

Disarmed by Aging Nerd Girl’s sudden show of maturity and honesty, Cool Girl rushes to my waiting arms and we embrace while I tell her all about how much she matters and the music swells to a lovely pitch.

The audience erupts in loud cheers and we all walk to the dessert line arm in arm, and all it took was a toss of my shoe.

And also, Tom Selleck is in the movie and there is a scene where he kisses me wildly on the cheek and says, “You are the most stunning woman on earth.”