How to Tan Your Hide

Back before we knew any better (some ten or more years ago), Susan and I were regulars at our local tanning salon. We weren’t junkies like some of those leathery ladies you see from time to time, we just looked tan and healthy. And ignorant.

My blissful ignorance was shattered when my Dad dared to watch the news and call me with his new education. Turns out that fair skinned people who tend to freckle and mole are the at the highest risk for sun induced skin cancer. He capped his dim report by asking me to stop tanning. If you know anything about my Dad, you know that I never saw another tanning bed after that phone call.

My new fear of skin cancer could not tear me from my love of a summer glow, so I turned instead to lotions to try to recreate the color I so wanted without the deadly side effects I so did not. I have tried just about every product out there and just about every technique. I have got self tanning down to a science and I will now bestow on you my hard won tips on how to be a bronze beauty without stepping foot in the sun.

Here’s what you need on hand to start:

• Moisturizing lotion. You cannot get an even tan if your skin is too dry.
• A good all over exfoliator. I have tried several different types, but my favorite is probably in your kitchen. Add about a quarter cup of table salt to your body soap and massage into your skin while in the shower. (I HIGHLY recommend that you do this BEFORE shaving. Learn from my painful mistakes.)
• A towel that you don’t mind staining.
• Tanning lotion. I have tried some of the most expensive and some of the cheapest. My experience is that there is little difference if you have good technique. My favorite is Panama Jack, my least favorite is Neutrogena (the lotion is good, but the foam is too awkward for me). The best advice is to not try for a color too dark for you. If you are as Elmer glue white as I am, go for a lighter shade. If you get the dark one, you fool only yourself.
• Rubber gloves. I don’t care if you wash your hands with bleach, you will never come away with tidy palms unless you wear rubber gloves. I buy a box of 100 disposable gloves for about three bucks from the grocery.

STEP ONE
The first thing you have to do is hop in the shower and get a good all over scrub. This removes any dead and dry skin and leaves your skin ready for step two.

STEP TWO
Smooth your favorite moisturizer all over. Be generous over your knees, elbows, and feet. Wait ten minutes or so for your skin to soak it in.

STEP THREE
Put on your gloves and start putting on the lotion. Start with your feet and work your way up. If you start at the top, you will wind up with crease marks on your belly. Go lightly over your knees, elbow and ankles. I do the outside of my arms before the inner and always try to make it lighter on the inside to keep the natural look. I volley back and forth about buying separate tanners for the face. I think this is a more case specific choice. If you are prone to break outs, you may prefer something made just for the face. Do your hands one at a time, being careful to avoid your knuckles and palms.

STEP FOUR
Use your towel to gently buff your knees, ankles, and elbows. I also buff my knuckles just to be sure.

Wait until it is fully dried before dressing and if you want to make it extra special, apply a bronzer to your forehead, cheeks, and shin bones. I like Jane bronzers, though I think it is only because Jane is cheap and I like cheap.

It takes practice to get it just right, but I think it is well worth the effort if you have a special occasion you want to have a glow for.
Take your time, and before you know it you will have a lovely tan that will not garner you any phone calls from my news hound father.