Stinking Hard Work

*Scroll to the end of my rambling here because I have posted the comment left by my dear cousin-in-law, Damon. Sometimes I think his wife is as blond as I am, so it stands to reason that he was able to make better sense of my opinion than I could.*

In the months leading up to my wedding I got one piece of advice over and over again from older married people: A good marriage takes a lot of work. I always smiled and nodded in agreement, but only because that is what you are supposed to do when old people dole out advice. I knew that Eric and I were different (I will pause here for the old married people to groan). We were different because we actually loved each other unconditionally, passionately, desperately, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. I figured that surely those old married people who claimed a good marriage to be a chore were really just mismatched in their marriage and thus had to work extra hard at loving each other. How could it be so hard to stick with someone I loved so much?

Hard. Stinking hard.

I am not writing this for the sake of exposing my dirty laundry, but rather I am writing this for the simple sake of honesty. In fact, the exact nature of my dirty laundry doesn’t need to be aired, perhaps just the fact that I have it is enough of a confession.

There is a couple at my church who are new Christians and newlyweds. They are experiencing some marital growing pains and told me that they felt like they were bad Christians for having problems. As I listened to them talk, I started to think that perhaps I could stand to be honest about the nature of work involved in making a good marriage. Eric and I are often accused of being very happily married, and while we usually are, it’s work. A lot of work. Nothing worth having isn’t.

It’s been a lot of trial and error, more error than anything, but I think the hard work is starting to mold me more and more into the wife that God wants me to be. Excuse me whilst I ramble, but here are some of my thoughts on the work.

Would you believe that Eric actually sometimes says things that are wrong and hurts my feelings? Gasp! I know you are shocked, but hold on to your hats cause it gets worse. I also hurt his feelings and say things that are better left unsaid. The question isn’t whether or not hurtful things will be done or said, the question is what are you going to do about it. I have learned a very handy method from a good friend of mine. Jesus tells us that not a single one of us is righteous, save for our covering in his blood. That means that even though I am a sinner, he treats me like the righteous person he created me to be. I am supposed to treat my husband the same way Jesus treats me.
I have looked, and looked, and looked some more and I would love it if anybody else has found it and can share it with me; but I have never found anywhere in the Bible where we are instructed to make certain our feelings are validated and a proper apology has been issued to us before we treat someone nicely. I readily found it in Dr.Phil’s literature, and even in certain “Christian” self-help books, but nowhere in the Bible.
For the first few years of my marriage I reared back and fought it out if I thought I was being wounded in any way. I learned that wasn’t working and spent the next several years stuffing my feelings so as to appear copacetic. That last one only led me to have a blow up every few months when everything that I stuffed began seeping out. My third, and I believe final, method is not from me at all and I think that is why it is going to be my stand alone routine.
I love Eric. I love him a million times more now than I did when I married him. Jesus has declared Eric to be righteous. I will not whitewash his flaws to his detriment, but I also won’t hold my love hostage from him until he achieves perfection.
Marriage that ends in divorce is easy. Marriage that ends in fifty years of stone silence is easy. But a good marriage is hard work. Eric and I will be married until the day one of us dies. We are in a covenant relationship. We have had our moments (months) where it did not appear to be a very good marriage, but I can look back at all our hard work and say that it is getting good and will only get better.
I am writing this for the couple at church, who mistakenly thought that “real” Christians have perfect marriages, and I am writing it for anybody out there who is still beating their heads against the wall and finding no relief. Marriage was God’s big idea. Take his advice on how to make it a good one.
(P.S. to the grandparents: My camera is busted beyond use. Go to Susan‘s blog where you will find she has kindly posted a few pictures of your granddaughter)

*EDIT -by: Damon*
When the apostle Paul talks about the Christian walk, he refers to it as a very long race and as a battle.

In 2 Corinthians chapter 11, he lists various things he suffered for doing the will of God. He told the church at Philipi “…to live is Christ, to die is gain” because he understood the big picture. We were never promised that life would be easy. In fact, we are promised that we will face problems just for being Christians.

My point is this: Satan is good at what he does. He convinces people that Christians are supposed to be “perfect”. He does this for two reasons. First, it causes those outside the church to feel they can never make it. Second, when problems come for the Christians, it causes us to doubt our salvation.

Christianity is very “stinking hard work”, as you have so eloquently stated. What those outside do not see is how hard we work every day to defeat the powers and schemes of Satan. They only see outward signs that, with God’s help, we are winning.

A truly good marriage is that way because of the Glory of God! It happens because a man and a woman make it their goal to be the best Christian that he and she can be. Problems exist because we are humans, therefore, imperfect. We should not be embarrassed by them or try to bury them. That only amplifies the problem, and Satan wins. I am proud to say that in almost 10 years of marriage there have been “moments”, as David Fraze put it so well at our wedding. Those “moments” have made us stronger as a couple, and as Christians. I know there will be many more in the next 50-70 years. God will guide us through them, too.

– Damon