Feeling Blue: Time For a Public Service Announcement

I was just taking a breather in the lobby of our office when I saw a bunch of twenty something guys at the gas station across the street loading beer into their ice chest for what I am sure is a wild Friday night they have planned. I watched them and thought about whether or not they had made advanced plans for post drinking transportation. Probably not. Just as they were driving off, “I Can Only Imagine” by Mercy Me came on the lobby radio. That CD was in Nathan’s truck CD player when the Marines sent it back to us. I sat there and wept, thinking about my brother and about how casually his death was carried out. There was no malicious planning or act of violence. Just a twenty something kid who decided he would rather drive. What follows is the letter I wrote to the judge on behalf of the young man who killed my brother. I challenge anyone who reads this to never be the reason someone has to write a letter of this nature.

Your Honor,

I have written this letter a dozen times. In the end, the truth is that there is nothing that will be accomplished here today that will return my family to what it was before December 26, 2003.

There are no words to describe how I feel. Anger is an easy word to throw around, but my feelings run a multi-faceted course. I think often about the last moments of my baby brother’s life being idled away while Kevin used Nathan’s phone to call home before calling the authorities to aid his fatally wounded passengers. I remember every instant of life that I lived in ignorance while Kevin and his family callously guarded the knowledge of Nathan’s death. Had Nathan died among friends, we would have been told right away, but he did not die among friends and the chilling loneliness of his death haunts me. My anger is only abated by my sadness. I grieve the death of my brother and the death of the family that I once knew. I have lost my Dad’s quick smile and spry humor. I have lost long conversations with my mother that don’t somehow drift into our mutual grief. I have lost an irreplaceable facet to my sibling pack. The four of us were completed by each other. We each had our roles in the function of our family and lacking Nathan we flounder like an amputee. We will function again, but it will never be the same and we will always be aware that we are incomplete.

In my anger and sadness, there is another feeling that I can’t ignore. I am sad for Kevin’s family that they must hear a letter of this nature written about their son. I am sad that Kevin will have to remember the agony wrought by his hands until his last breath. I am sad that there will never be a day when we can meet Kevin and say, “There now. It’s all behind us.”

I do not know Kevin. I want to believe that he is here today feeling deep grief for the deaths of Nathan and Joshua. Because Kevin has yet to offer me any kind of insight into who he is, I don’t know if maybe he is just sad that he is in such trouble. I would like to someday hear from him who he is and who he aspires to be. In truth, I want Kevin to be a man of integrity, and diligence to serve his fellow man. I want him to be the proud father of a large brood and the husband of an adoring wife. I want to hear from him that he has achieved all of this; not because it will make me feel better, but at least I will know my brother wasn’t killed by someone who could walk away unchanged by the single most horrifying event of my life.

My parents raised us well. Above everything they taught us, the most crucial thing was of the love of Jesus. We were daily reminded that we were loved by Jesus, and not because of anything we had done, but because love is the foundation of Jesus’ character. I have heard that Kevin stated that he wasn’t sure if God would forgive him and that further more he wasn’t sure if Nathan would forgive him. I know my brother’s character and I can tell you without a shadow of doubt that Kevin was forgiven by Nathan in the instant of his death. One of Nathan’s most enduring qualities was his compassion and depth of forgiveness. God’s forgiveness is there for Kevin and has been from the instant of Kevin’s birth, I hope he knows that.

As to what should be done here today, I want Kevin to leave here and search out a better life. I want for he and his family to find the wholeness that my family enjoyed. I want his family to fully enjoy God’s richness and the truth of His love. I don’t think prison is the place for him. It won’t bring Nathan back and it won’t make this situation any less tragic. Please take into account all that he has presented to you about his character and decide accordingly.

Because God has been gracious to me,

Amy Dodd-Peterson